I Do'

If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it’s filled with news about friends who have had babies, gotten engaged and married. So while I was participating in my ritual of Facebook peeping I was shocked to learn that an ex had gotten married. My soul was dying and the Internet was to blame. There I was staring endlessly at their FB status, and her name change with my jaw firmly planted on the floor. Many of my exes have gotten married and I have wished them nothing but wedded bliss and some have received cards that said so. But this was different; this news put me in such a mood I felt as if I was auditioning for an episode of ‘SNAPED’.  This was rightfully the biggest injustice ever, how dare he move on and find happiness leaving me single and alone. 

When our relationship ended I felt vulnerable, and shame. I questioned if I possessed the capability to achieve life goals.  Whether my friendships were supportive enough, and whether it was time to rethink my relationship with my family. I was agonizing about everything that was supposed to have happened in my life including finding someone I cared about as much as him. I blamed the planet for having way too many men on it to weed through. I would also like to blame the human race for not inventing an I Want a Husband Store that is conveniently open 24/7 

A fragment of my heart still ruptured knowing he was someone else's passion or problem. But if I was so satisfied in my own world, why did I care so much about his. I had an off and on relationship with this man for two years, his presence made me re-examine my life, and he had became my confidante. But he was also a liar, selfish, and had a way of making sure he never had to be accountable for other people or their feelings. It was so easy to romanticize the sex, and think about how it was the best sex I’d ever had. Failing to remember that in reality it wasn’t that great…….. sorry but lying to myself won’t help anyone. I would spend the next couple of days self indulging in pity, beating myself up with the myriad of questions like were we supposed to end up together? Is he the one that got away? Did I screw up the fated plan of the cosmos by acting too selfish or busy or jealous or needy? Was that the person I was supposed to marry?

Because he married someone else, the answer is a resounding nope - he's not! He found the right person for him. Congrats! The reality is that I’ve been spared. I wasn’t right for him. Its time I move on with my life. They moved on with theirs, it’s probably the best gift I could have given him and any other guy that is not meant to be my husband.

Good Intentions

Have you ever heard the saying “Hell is paved with good intentions”? The other half of that quote should be “and also furnished”. A while ago I was fortunate enough to receive some sound advice from a guy I once fooled around with from time to time. One evening as I was looking for my undergarments that somehow mysteriously fell off upon his arrival; I stated that I wasn’t intending to have sex with him. His response was that I never intended not too. Now I had two items to find, my panties and my face. But he had a good point, in my mind I was confident that I was not going to give in and sleep with him because he was the most awful guy and truly didn’t deserve my time let alone my goodies. But I hadn’t made the effort either to assure that he didn’t receive them (my goodies and my time), but the intentions were there.  

So who was to blame? Was it me for my lack of preparation, or him for his keen instinct at being an opportunist? My encounter with him that day taught me an immense amount about who I was, and the women I wanted to be. It taught me that sometimes it’s better to keep myself company. Being single is a choice, not a death sentence. You can choose to be with anyone you want, but it doesn’t mean they are the right person for you, or you can make the choice to use the opportunity you have to be single to figure out some bad emotional habits... and to hopefully unlearn them.

I learned how to sort out what I wanted and felt from what other people told me I should want and feel. Sometimes your friends have the best intentions, but not the best advice. I learned how to balance self doubt and loneliness with generosity and significance. I never intended on being a doormat, so I had to learn why I kept being attracted to emotionally broken men who never intended on treating me the respect I’m am entitled to. I am single but I am not alone, and until I realized the difference I would have always intended on meeting a nice guy.